The offices of Global Products Ltd. A darkened meeting room with a very conspiratorial atmosphere.
Reg and Pete are seated at a table at one end of the room. Francis is standing by a map that has ‘Down with Self Service BI’ written above it. He is addressing an audience of other employees.
Francis: We sneak in past the receptionist here… up past the boardroom here… and the server room is here. Having entered the default code into the key-lock, we inform the FD that we have barricaded ourselves in and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
Steve: What exactly are the demands?
Reg: We’re giving the board two days to restore every single one of our spreadsheets to the shared folder and if they don’t agree immediately we turn the air conditioning off.
Brian: Overheat the file server?
Francis: Overheat all the servers, spark one out every hour on the hour… show them we’re not to be trifled with, and that we shall not submit to Self Service BI.
Marie: (Applauds) No Self Service BI!
Reg: They’ve bled us white. They’ve taken every spreadsheet we had, not just from us, from finance and purchasing and distribution.
Pete: And from HR.
Pete: And from Quality Control and Sales and Marketing.
Reg: All right, Stan. Don’t labour the point. And what has Self Service BI ever given us in return?
Reg: Oh yeah, Self Service BI gives us productivity. Yeah. That’s true.
Dawn: And flexibility!
Pete: Oh yes… flexibility, Reg, you remember what the reports used to be like before Self Service BI.
Reg: All right, I’ll grant you that productivity and flexibility are two things that Self Service BI has given us…
Brian: And the ad-hoc queries…
Reg: Well yes obviously the ad-hoc queries… the ad-hoc queries go without saying. But apart from productivity, flexibility and the ad-hoc queries …
Another Employee: Scalability…
Other Voices: Remote Access…Scheduling… Interactivity…
Reg: Yes… all right, fair enough…
Employee Near Front: And the dashboards…
Marie: Oh yes! True!
Francis: Yeah. That’s something we’d really miss if the Self Service BI went, Reg.
Accountant at Back: Consistency!
Pete: It’s safe to trust the numbers on the reports now with Self Service BI.
Francis: Yes, Self Service BI certainly keeps the data in order. Let’s face it; it’s the only thing that could in a place like this.
(general murmurs of agreement)
Reg: All right… all right… but apart from better productivity and flexibility and ad-hoc queries and scalability and remote access and scheduling and interactivity and the dashboards and consistency… what has Self Service BI done for us?
Steve: Saved time!
Reg: What!? Oh… (scornfully) saved time… shut up!
If you’re considering Self Service BI and don’t want Reg’s advice, download this useful eBook for more information.